As a teen, you or one of your friends may encounter violent or abusive behavior during a single date or during a serious dating relationship. This message will help you recognize the signs of a harmful dating relationship. It also shows you how to get help if you find yourself in this kind of situation.

Physical or sexual abuse is a crime. Verbal abuse, whether of criminal proportions or not, is extremely hurtful. Often, it is a sign that physical or sexual abuse looms ahead. Dating violence can include hitting, yelling, threatening, name calling, and other forms of verbal, sexual, emotional, and physical abuse.

The number of incidents and the severity of the abuse increases as the relationship continues. Teen dating violence can be as lethal as domestic abuse.

Abuse to the point of violence occurs in approximately one in ten teen relationships. Very few teens know that they can get help by talking to someone who can guide them to safety such as a parent, a teacher, a counselor, or the police.

Please study the information carefully and make a lifelong commitment to your own safety and to the elimination of abusive behavior.

Dating Rights and Responsibilities
Identifying Abusive Behavior
Ending a Relationship
Helping a Friend
Calling for Help
Making A Difference

Dating Rights and Responsibilities

Your Dating Rights

• You have the right to date without verbal, physical or sexual abuse.
• You have the right to live without fear of your boyfriend's or girlfriend's anger.
• You have the right to prosecute for assault and battery.
• You have the right to expect your date's respect.
• You have the right to possess and control your own body and property at all times.
• You have the right to leave a relationship at any time.
• You have the right to say no.

Your Dating Responsibilities

• You have the responsibility not to harm or to threaten harm to yourself or your date.
• You have the responsibility to refuse to accept abuse--verbal, physical, or sexual.
• You have the responsibility to refuse to abuse--verbally, physically, or sexually.
• You have the responsibility to not humiliate or demean your date.
• You have the responsibility to take care of yourself.
• You have the responsibility to respect yourself and your boyfriend or girlfriend
  

Identifying Abusive Behavior

Use these questions to help you identify abusive behavior

• Does your boyfriend or girlfriend want to know your whereabouts are all the time?
• Does your girlfriend or boyfriend want you to spend time only with him or her?
• Does your boyfriend or girlfriend get mad that you have other good friends?
• Does your girlfriend or boyfriend express jealousy by becoming angry and abusive?
• Does your boyfriend or girlfriend tell you he or she cannot live without you?
• Do you get scared when your girlfriend or boyfriend gets mad?
• Does your boyfriend or girlfriend behave in any way that causes you fear?
• Has your girlfriend or boyfriend caused you physical pain or injury?
• Has a date pushed, punched, pinched, or kicked you?
• Has a date restrained you or held you down?
• Has a date or your boyfriend or girlfriend called you names or sworn at you?
• Has a date or your boyfriend or girlfriend insisted on acts of a sexual nature that are unwelcome or uncomfortable?
• Does your girlfriend or boyfriend tell you how to dress, whom to speak to,where to go and when to go there?
• Does your boyfriend or girlfriend have low self-esteem?

A "yes" answer to one or more of these questions can mean that you are in an abusive dating relationship. To keep yourself safe, you must talk with someone who can help - your parents, another family member, a friend, a counselor, a teacher, a faith or spiritual leader, a parent of one of your friends, a coach, an advisor, or your employer.

Breaking the silence is a critical step in eliminating violence and abuse. Remaining isolated from friends and family gives your abuser more opportunity to control and abuse you.

Your community has many places in which you can get help. Look for rape crisis centers, health services, counseling centers, youth organizations, churches or spiritual centers, your family health care provider, and other similar places.

Ending a Relationship

What to do when ending an abusive relationship:

• Make a dated record describing the abuse.
  If the abuse happens at school, report it to a security office or other administrative authority.
• Do not meet the abuser alone.
• Do not allow the abuser in your home or your car if you are alone.
  Avoid being alone at school, in the library, at work, and on the way to and from places.
• Select alternative routes and times to travel to and from home, school, and work.
• Check in with someone at a regular time and place so they will know to check on you if they do not hear from you.
• Tell someone where you are going and when you plan to be back.
• Make and rehearse a safety plan so you will know what to do if your date, boyfriend or girlfriend approached you or became abusive.
  

Remember . . .

You are not alone.
Teens from every kind of background and all across the country are in, or have been in or know someone who is in, an abusive relationship.

You have done nothing wrong.
It is not your fault that your partner abuses you.

The longer you stay in the abusive relationship, the more intense the violence will become.
It does not get better over time.

There is no excuse for abuse.
No one is justified in attacking you because he or she in angry.

How to Help a Friend

• Talk to your friend. Do not excuse the signs of abuse.
• Explain your concerns.
• Do not criticize your friend.
• Inform your friend that violence is not allowed under any circumstances.
• Point out your friend's strengths. The effects of the abuse can cause him or her to lose sight of his or her abilities and gifts.
• Let your friend know that you understand, care, and support her or him in what she or he is going through.
• Persuade your friend to tell a trusted adult about the abuse. Offer to accompany her or him in going for help.
• Confide in an adult you trust if you think your friend's situation is getting worse.
• Help your friend by suggesting a counselor or advisor that you trust.
• Never put yourself in a dangerous situation with your friend's abuser. Do not attempt to be a mediator.
• Find out what laws in your state may protect your friend from the abuser.
• Call the police if you witness an assault.
• Read articles or books that could help you or your friend.

Calling for Help

Arizona Coalition against Domestic Violence
1-800-782-2900
www.azcadv.org

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Arizona Sexual Assault Network
EMPACT Crisis 24 Hour Hotline
1-866-205-5229 or 480-784-1500
www.azsan.org

Making a Difference

EDUCATE YOURSELF

• Read books and magazine and journal articles about the cycle of abuse and how to eliminate it.
• Read about healthy relationships and learn to recognize and prevent relationship violence.
• Consult with an adult in a profession that works with people learning to overcome abuse.

REACH OUT

• Start a peer education group to studyteen dating violence and to provide training to teens and parents and other concerned adults in your school and community.
• Request your school library to carry books on identifying and overcoming abuse and violence.
• Ask your school administrators to incorporate discussions of teen dating violence into the school curriculum.
• Ask school and community organizations and clubs to start programs to assist abusers in breaking their patterns of abusive behavior.
• Promote awareness of teen dating violence during Domestic Violence Awareness Month in October by making posters and hosting programs at your school and in your community.
• Write and produce plays, songs, dances, essays, stories and news articles that explore the issues of teen dating abuse and violence.

Resources